I realize that I have been rather quiet lately on my blog. Sometimes I find it hard to write about what is going on in my life, like if I put it to paper, or rather the internet, it is real. I know I have blogged some about J and me and this thing we call marriage. I 100% love my husband. However, we have hit some rough patches in our first year of marriage. I thought the first year was supposed to be all lovey dovey and lots of sex.
J and I have a hard time communicating. This was very evident when we took our compatibility pre marital test. We scored really well in conflict resolution but awful, I mean horrible, in communication. J and I are very different when we are upset or angry. He would really like to be left alone to cool off for a while and then when he feels like it we will talk. I am the polar opposite. I want to discuss everything right away and fix it or what not. This just makes him more irritated at me and me more frustrated at him because he is ignoring me. I then feel like I am the only one in the relationship trying to hold it together. We are your typical newly weds, we are still trying to figure out money, selling my home, where to live, when to have kids, and our work schedules. I would have thought that living together before marriage would have helped. I am a control freak and like to know what is going on with mone at all times. J is a "everything will work it self out" kind of person. Running his own business has been tough. The economy is awful and his customers are being laid off their jobs, so house hold cleaning services are a luxuary that some have had to cut out.
I feel like I do everything. I am the primary bread winner right now. I do the grocery shopping, the cooking, the dishes, the laundry. I work and travel during the week and then do part time at Ann Taylor on Friday nights and saturdays. I know that J works hard and is his own boss, but I get frustrated when I go out of town and that glass I had drank out of is still sitting on the coffee table (I have done this at times to see if he will put it in the dishwasher.) It flat out frustrates me. I want every now and then to feel taken care of and not the one that does all the planning and makes all the decisions. I know J hates the fact that I am the primary bread winner, so I try not to bring that up in arguments. He says he feels like a loser most of the time when he needs to come to me for help. I thought that is what marrige is supposed to be about.
Apparently I am also "too" emotional and cry all the time. I call bullshit on that one. I cry every now and then, sure. I am a girl. I do have emotions and words can be said to hurt my feelings. J had been quick to say, we won't make it through our first year. We are just too different. I push his buttons more than I should and he argues with my point of view out of spite more than he should. Does it get better? Are we doomed to fight through it? I hate airing our dirty laundry but this blog is for writing about me and my true self. I can be all "perky and my life is fantastically wonderful" on facebook, but this blog is for real and raw emotions. Having your husband ask "when are you going out of town next" hurts. I am not sure if we could survive if I didn't travel for work. I love him and he loves me...that is why we got married. Hopefully we will survive the bad and laugh through the good.
UGH... I hate reading this but am glad you have an outlet to be real and not fb fake. I can't wait to SEE you and give you a hug, have a drink, and conversate.
ReplyDeleteOf course you know the #1 advice is don't pull any baby triggers until you figure out the other stuff because it will only complicate things exponentially. I went through a phase of thinking a baby would solve all problems, but the reality of it is that kids completely screw couples up ;) And you know that money and communication are big things to figure out.
Are you guys doing counseling? If you find a good one, that might help a lot because like you said these are common issues (although just because they're common doesn't mean they're not a mess!).
I totally get the breadwinner part.... it's a huge burden. Not just from the perspective of feeling the pressure to maintain but also to tap dance around the male ego, which is a reality.
The only real advice I have is not to leave dirty coffee cups out. It's not worth creating negative feelings/reason to be mad at him. I'm not saying you have to do everything, but don't intentionally do stuff that will just end up pissing you off ;)
Call me whenever. I'm just hanging out with dogs....
Oh Paige....you know Chris and I pretty well, so you should know that if anyone can truly understand exactly what you are going through it should be me! I hate this for you...and Chris and have I have been through all of this and still go through some of it at times. A few points I want to address:
ReplyDelete1. The communication thing is KEY. Chris and I also communicate very differently....I can stay calm when I'm upset and he can't, pretty much. I, like you, like to deal with things immediately...but I found that when I tried to do that it just made things worse because he would end up saying things out of anger that took it to another level. Or new thing is..and has been for a while..that if we really get into something I will leave him alone and let him calm down, but I deal with it myself and write him a letter/email/etc. It makes me be logical and really think about what I want to say...and by the time he reads it he's calmer and ready to hear it. May be silly to some folks, but it totally works for us! I can't even tell you the last time we yelled at each other or cried over fighting...and in the early years of living together/being married it was often.
2. I also do about 90% of the work around the house as far as grocery shopping goes, grooming and bathing dogs, cleaning, laundry, etc. I use to get really upset about it and blow up about it, but now I just have to let it go. I'm anal and a little OCD, so I can't expect Chris to be like I am. That being said, we DO have certain rules so to speak. For example....when I go out of town, he can do whatever he wants to the house....but it has to be like I left it by the time I get back. I use to show up and get mad immediately upon entering the house because I had to clean up after him, but that stopped with this rule. As for other stuff, if it's stuff I hate doing them I just nag him until he takes a turn. And I've made lists in the past....but Chris is really good with a 'honey do' list and Jae might not be....
3. You and I are both the breadwinners in our families...and to be honest it just sucks. Would I rather it be my husband? Of course. Would I love to do something I WANT to do and enjoy instead of doing something that pays the bills? Of course. Do I think I'll ever have that opportunity? No. Overall, Chris and I just do not discuss this. At all. I don't bring it up in fights...and the few times he's brought up that feeling of insecurity or whatever, I've told him that if he feels that way he can change his situation and do something about it..and that ended that. For me, it just is what it is....I'm driven and am proud of my work and job and want to do better and better...and Chris doesn't.
4. The fact that Jae throws in the "won't make it the first year" comment is absolute CRAP. If he feels that way for real, that's a big deal. If not, he shouldn't be allowed to say something like that. Chris and I have 'rules' for fighting...developed years ago when in a fit of rage he would say some hateful things and then way after the fight is over I'd still be hungup on some of the hateful things. Anyway, we are not allowed to call eachother names or be hateful...it crosses a line. Works for us.
I agree with Sarah (h or no h, sorry..I don't know) for sure on the baby thing, and the therapy thing. I'm a huge advocate of therapy....and if Jae isn't interested, I'd go without him! It only helps, I promise. I love it.
Sorry you are going through this right now...it will get better!
Love you!
Thanks girls! Sometimes it just feels good to get your thoughts out. I know both of you so well that you have seen me at my best and at my worst. I look to both of you more than you know for advice and I seem to surround myself with strong girls that know what it is like to be the breadwinner. That makes your understanding of some of the marital issues that others not in our situations don't or can't understand. J and I have gotten better about talking things out over the course of our relationships. The biggest step we have made is acknowleging that we both have faults and are working on a solution together. I love your ideas and keep them coming!
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