Part II

I feel that I was rushed earlier today when I was writing about J.  I think it had a lot to do with the fact that my computer was freezing up every other minute.  I hate working with a VPN, but that is not my focus for today.  One year ago, J decided to stop drinking. It was not a ultimatum or something I forced on him.  After one, long, painful, and eventful evening at the D and our home, J made the decision on his own to stop drinking. He has said this before and gone about a month and then decide to start again.  He always has said that he wished he could be the person who could only have one beer and stop, but he is not.    I really feel I need to put it out there and say that J was not a person that woke up every day and drank, nor did he drink every day....just a disclaimer that he wasn't drunk all the time.

The first few days were rough, for me at least. It was hard knowing I would be traveling for work and not knowing what was happening back at home. It t a took a lot of open communication and J earning my trust back.   I honestly think I stressed out more than J.  He went to counseling and I think he really opened up to learn about himself and as to why he drank.  He was trying to numb pain from previous things.  He decided not to give Peyton's mom any more ammunition or power.  He decided all of his bad decisions and bad things that have happened to him were all when he had been drinking.  Thank goodness he was sober when he met me!

We just changed how we do things. At first I didn't really drink around him, but we talked and he told me that I shouldn't quit drinking just because he couldn't drink.  I just don't drink as much and that is fine with me.  All summer J drank club soda and lime (he named this his NV drink....for Non vodka.)  I think I was more worried about other people pressuring him to drink, but his family and friends have been so supportive.  For our wedding, I made sure they could get non alcoholic champagne for our toast and NA beer for J.  On our honeymoon he drank all vigin frozen drinks and found Beck's NA which he really likes.  NA beer is more expensive than regular beer, but I have no problem spending the money for him.

A year later he isn't phased and I am not as hovering over what he is ordering.  I know when he is down at the river with his brother and brother in law (who drink liberarlly) he will be fine.  I know when he is hanging out with old friends, he will be fine.  I also know that when times are hard, he will make it through. Even though he will say, I could really go for a beer right now.  I know that he isn't going to through this last year away.  I am so proud of him and we had a delicious dinner at Black Finn with some good friends to celebrate!

One Year.....Change

Today is a huge day for the Blair's. Today, my husband, is ONE year sober.  Today is going to be a much happier day than where we were a year ago.  I am not going to rehash the ugly details of May 8, 2011, and I am so happy that exactly one year later we are in such a better place.  J was not a person that drank everyday, but was the type that once he started he wouldn't stop.  He quite cold turkey and will tell you that as long as you put your mind to something, you can accomplish anything.

It definitely has not been easy and we have had our struggles.  I do miss the huge highs, but I do not miss the lows.  J is more even keel. I admire how hard he has worked to turn everything around. 
At first he was exciting by how much money we were saving not going out to the bars,  He loved waking up and not having a monsterous hangover.  We are more productive.  He is showing he is a great father to Peyton. 

I am so proud of him and tonight we are going out with some friends to celebrate. 

Q is for...

Quiver.  Q is a hard letter and something about the word Quiver, makes me do just that. For some reason it is one of those words I don't like. I will add it to the list of words I don't like...panties, fart, moist....

I am weird and yes I know it.

Play the Hand you are Dealt

J and I have been married for a little over 6 months. I am not going to lie to you and tell you everything has been perfect and we are so happy together.  We love each other but we are still figuring out this life as a married couiple and not two independent individuals.  Adding another stress into our new marriage, is having a step child.  I am not going to take anything away from single parents, but being a step parent comes with a whole other set of strange territory.  You instantly become a ready made family, but one that you biologically didn't create.

When you are in the dating stages, all you want is for the child to like you, because in most cases if the child doesn't like you, the relationship is doomed.  As the relationship progresses, you only hope that in due time you will be on the same level of importance to your significant other as the child.  And now once married, you hope that you can be as much of a family as if this was the family you biologically created.  I think sometimes I have the best of both worlds. We have Peyton every other weekend and will soon have him every other week in the summer.  It is nice that we have every other weekend to be newly weds and enjoy this stage of our marriage before we have our own kinds, and I love our weekends being a family of 3. However, I am still getting used to the stress of the back and forth and I know it has to stress an 8 year old out as well.

Friday, I took off work from Ann so that J and I could pick up Peyton for our weekend. We had nothing too exciting planned, which I have learned is ok too. However, we received a call from Peyton's mom when we were at our exit. He was crying and did not want to come with us. I was so confused....we had had such a fun weekend before, going to the hockey game and what not.  He left us happy.....who knows what happened,. Maybe a bad day at school....maybe he wanted to stay with his brothers....I don't know. However, I was instantly hurt. I always wonder if it is me....  I am not going to hash out the details, but just now this caused a huge fight with J. I sometimes do not agree with the way he handles things. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and he needs to learn to think before he speaks.  We wound up getting Peyton saturday and he was his happy self.  J and I are repairing some damage to our relationship.  Being a step mom is hard..... I love Peyton more than I ever thought I could.  I wanted to end on a happy note and share one of my favorite pics from our wedding day.

P is for Paga

P is one of my favorite letters. It could be because my name starts with P, but so many fun words start with P, like peninsula and petunia.  Some of my favorite foods also start with P, like peanut butter and popcorn. But for today's blog....P is for Paga. 

Paga is a nickname I was given back in high school, but the assistant manager at Einstein Bagels.  I came in one day and he had given us all new names on our name tags. I was Paga de Paga.  Right about that time, the Mackey's finally got internet at our house and I needed an email address handle. The only other nickname I had up until that point was Hot Rock, given to me by my Daddy and Mackey or Mack.  I didn't want to use either of those so I chose paga215, 2 and 15 being my favorite numbers.  Then, the summer after my freshman year of college, I went to work for YMCA Camp Lakewood, in Potosi, MO.  The counselors did not go by their real names at all. Everyone on staff was called by a nickname.  All week, the kids would try to guess our real names.  So for 4 summers of my life, I was Paga.  I remember going back to the University of Arkansas each fall and not repsonding to my real name. Even one time, after some alcohol was consumed, I even introduced myself as Paga at a party. 

Until October of last year, when I got married, the plates on my car were personalized to Paga. This reminds me, I need to look into getting Missouri Paga plates!  I love that there are people in my life that still call me Paga. I love that still run into old campers and co workers that call me Paga. Julia Noack, my wedding photographer, was my co counselor in 2000.  She would call me Paga during some of my photo sessions when not thinking.  I in turn called her Verne!

O is for Orthopedic Doctor

It honestly took me a while to think of an "O," then today it finally dawned on me...duh, Orthopedics.  Dr. Matava is my orthopedic doctor. We have shared the last few years together, and I have an appointment with him on monday.   From my previous posts, you may have read, or know in real life, that I have a crappy knee. Crappy in a sense that I am now surgery free for 2 years (for a while I was having a knee surgery a year)!  I have had a lateral release and chondroplasty, a scope and cartilage biopsy, and a fulkerson osteotomy.  The latter being the worst and left me non weight baring for over 2 months, and another month learning to re walk.  I have screws holding my tibia in place. They stick out a little bit and if I am not careful, I cut myself around them shaving.  I still have nerve damage on the side of my right leg and still have a numbing sensation when I touch the area.  I am not supposed to run....much.

That being said....I still have knee pain. Not as bad as it once was, and I really hope the hole in my knee cartilage hasn't grown bigger than the dime size it already was since the breaking of my leg in surgery was supposed to help that.  Needless to say, the second part of the surgery still needs to happen, too bad my insurance is a pain in the ass and denied it (too experimental).  So for the time being, I am going to visit Dr. Matava to see if we can do another round of osteoarthritic shots (they last a year and I am due soon). 

I don't complain too much, I am able to wear heels when I want and do most activities.  J just doesn't want me to have surgeries after babies so I need to figure out the next few years.  But I definitely rocked the crutches and even got really good on them.

N is for Nephew

Life has been so crazy busy that I have slacked in my blogging. Today's post is brought to you by the letter "N." N is for nephew. I inherited 2 nephews when I married J. Today we are watching the youngest, Alex. He is 3 about to turn 4 and a total chatterbox. Alex rules the roost in his household. We have taken to calling him the King because it is Alex's way or the highway. He loves Ironman, boats, and your typical boy things.

He is totally fascinated with Ironman, and I am pretty sure that he will have an Iron man themed birthday party next month. A few weeks ago, J and I stopped by Alex's house so I could sign my refinance papers. Alex so innocently and seriously asked J to make him an ironman costume so that he could fly. He was so dead set on flying that he cried when his mom told him only birds could fly. He just couldn't comprehend that Ironman is a superhero and different from you and me. He wore an ironman mask to one of Peyton's basketball games. And as I got home from Ann Taylor today.....superhero action figures (yes, not dolls) were spread out all over my living room carpet.

He is so full of life and says the funniest things. And I love that he tells me he loves me!