I am taking a break from the letter game today for a normal post. I guess I have had a lot on my mind for the past couple of months and feel I may be able to gain more perspective by writing it out. I have been having crazy strange dreams lately about a friendship that pretty much ended last summer. My dreams pick up sometimes where things left off and sometimes years in the future. Sometimes we resolve things and sometimes we don't. However, I always wake up feeling somewhat sad and anxious about the whole situtation. Obviously, I feel somewhat not settled about how things ended. Perhaps this is because I ultimately had no control over the situation. Sometimes I feel like I should reach back out to this person and see where things stand and then as I go to write a text or email I stop myself. I stop because do I really want to put myself back out there after being really hurt.
I think back to some of my other relationships where days, months, and even years have passed and we were able to ease back into a friendship as if nothing has changed. These were true friendships. I would like to think that if we ever did reconnect, it would be that simple, but I know for pretty certain that would not be the case here. With others, it may have been a silly fight or just time drifting away, but this was different. I do not plan on hashing out the soared details. Just know that I was very hurt and mad at the way things went down. If I was going to end a friendship on some detail, I for sure wouldn't do it over email and text. I guess that is why I am so unsettled even after 8 months. It was weird not having her at my wedding, or even inviting her. She was hard to handle, and so am I, but there was always something fun to get ourselves into. I am still deciding if it was all the things we did and involved ourselves in and all the careless fun we had or I just grew up and my priorities changed.
I guess I always thought that this would blow over and eventually we would figure it all out. Somedays I am ok with this, I guess when I have these dreams it makes me wonder "what if?" I still haven't decided what I will do, I guess time will just tell.
Terribly unsettled to be haunting your dreams. Dreams can really impact you throughout the day, so sorry to hear that they're causing you stress.
ReplyDeleteI would categorize our whole falling out as superficial. It was a stupid fight that was fueled by stubborn-headedness. I think with time you can move past that and recognize it for what it was. I think when the fight is about something that really matters (such as the person's opinion of someone you love, their frustration over how you are living your life, the more fundamental/important things) it is harder to move beyond. Not impossible, but not easily done, especially via text or email.